Over the past five years I’ve stared at this poster so many times I’ve lost count. I think every neurologist in America has this thing hanging in their office. The man above scares me. He looks freaky and pissed off. I suppose it’s understandable if he’s afflicted with Parkinson’s Disease. Yesterday as I sat in a new exam room, I once again found myself face to face with this creepy dude.
My health insurance unexpectedly changed in January which put me in a stressful position of having to find a new brain doc. While sitting on the noisy white paper I silently began to pray, “Dear God, please let my new doctor be brilliant and super nice…..and oh yeah God…..please make sure he doesn’t look like the man in the poster”.
I felt cold and vulnerable as I listened for the doctor’s footsteps. I have to be honest, this past month I’ve fantasized about this appointment. Maybe, just maybe, my brand new doctor might say, “Cindy, I don’t think you have Parkinson’s Disease.”
Wishful thinking of course, with a hefty dash of denial mixed in. You might not know this, but there isn’t an actual test that proves a person has PD. This can really play tricks on the mind. The diagnosis is given based on the patient’s symptoms and their response to Parkinson’s medication. In other words if PD medications improve your symptoms, then you probably have PD. I have a variety of PD symptoms which include loss of mobility on the right side of my body (it starts on one side and eventually travels to the other side), difficulty writing, loss of smell, foot clawing, Charlie horses, and a slight hand tremor when I get stressed or fatigued. Yes, medication really helps relieve my symptoms.
After a few minutes I could hear the doctor approaching the exam room. When the door opened, I was relieved to see a tall dashing gentleman. I quickly noticed he was wearing a very nice pair loafers, maybe Italian. For some odd reason I suddenly relaxed.
He then sat on a black stool, and began to ask me a zillion questions. He carefully listened to my answers while jotting notes in my chart. After the Q and A, he proceeded to do the actual neurological exam. I call this the brain “sobriety test”. It’s twenty minutes of walking, jumping, standing, blinking, counting, and basically looking stupid. As I carefully hopped down the long hallway, I hoped I was impressing my new doc. When it was time to do upper body movements, I knew my right arm wasn’t giving an “A” performance. I carefully watched the doctor’s eyes trying to read his mind.
I was told I had Parkinson’s in 2007, and since then I’ve had three different neurologists confirm the diagnosis. At the end of this exam, my new neurologist became number four. The good news is currently my disease is moving slowly, however I know this can change. The truth is PD is an unpredictable heartless dopamine thief that travels at will.
I left the office feeling a mixture of relief and sadness. As I walked to my car, I felt comforted by the warmth of the bright sun. I took a deep breath and reminded myself to take one day at a time. It’s not easy surrendering to life…..however it’s the only way to fly.
